The Laws of
Anime
1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of
physics do not apply.
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or
something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is
reduced by a factor of 4.
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the
way.
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant
thrust equals constant velocity.
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest
objects known to human science.
6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a
constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are
being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7. First Law of Temporal Morality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad
Guys' both die in one of two ways- either
so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long, drawn out affair where
the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence,
or why the toast always lands butter side down.
8. Second Law of Temporal Morality
It takes some time
for bad guys to die...regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so
quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize that
they are dead. This is attributed to the
belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving
extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black
screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
10. Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only
happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are
seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
11. Law of Inherent Combustibility
Everything
Explodes. Everything.
First Corollary-
Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary-
Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science.
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things
emit light from fatal wounds.
13. Law of Energetic
Emission
There is always an
energy buildup (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or
space craft weapons fire. Because of the
explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law
of Inherent Combustibility.
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive
potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary-
Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon
15. Law of Inexhaustibility
No one *EVER* runs
out of ammunition. That is of course
unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a
'Good Guy' when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of
shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad
Guys' when operating firearms decreases as the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Storm
Trooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor, being held upside
down from moving vehicle will always hit, whereas several battalions of 'Bad
Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will
always miss.
First Corollary-
The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit
anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary-
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the
'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out in a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary-
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm
which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing
complex martial arts maneuvers.
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body
contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other
supernatural creatures have at least 3 eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be
yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed
weapons.
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide
armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless,
bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant
example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical Geniuses
aren't...
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice
the little things...like missing body parts or wounds the size of Kansas.
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter
than adults and almost always twice as annoying.
24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in anime
appear in one of two roles, either as the really, nasty, skinny 'Bad Guy', or
as a big, stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary-
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators.
(Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary-
The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a
person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are
speaking or eating.
26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any
half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1)Be female
2)Will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic
mutation
3)Wear as little clothing as possible, if any
27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon
capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will inversely be
reserved and used only as a last resort.
28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training
required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its
complexity.
29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying
extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits
light in the form of a glowing aura.
This aura is usually blue for 'Good Guys' and red for 'Bad Guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in
the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
30. Law of Non Anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non
humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity
for some obscure reason.
31. Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability
Any color in the
visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
explanation.
32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is
pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological
conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still
look perfect. The only way to damage
someone's hair is the same way that you deal with demons...bladed weapons!!!
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime
Aerodynamics
*ANY* shape, no
matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime
follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible,
regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of
clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to
tear off the aforementioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicable take a
shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
Whenever there is a headwind, male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don't hamper their movements and billow out dramatically
behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold
temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)
Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of
damage.
35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable
of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically
capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha,
fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on…especially if they
have never attempted these things before.
36. Law of Quintupular Agglutination
Also called "The
5-man Rule", when 'Good Guys' group together, it tends to be in groups of
5. there are five basic positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2)His Girlfriend
3)His Best Friend/Rival
4)A Hulking Brute
5)A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several
attributes, which include:
1)Extreme Coolness
2)Amazing Intelligence
3)Incredible Irritation
37. Law of Extra Dimensional Capacitance
All anime females
have an extra dimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their
person from which they are able to retrieve any object at a moments notice.
First Corollary (A.K.A. The Hammer Rule)
The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be
used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms,
power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be
rather large in anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water,
which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear
ducts. The actual volume of water
contained in the eyes in unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these
reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to
collect in the eyes is because anime characters only have one large sweat
gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or
worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous
fluid.
39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding
suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be
successful. The more you want, the less
you get, and vice versa.
40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually
aroused, males in anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one is sure why this is though. The current theory suggests that larger eyes
means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law 38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably
get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot
of blood flow to that region.
41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo
swords are just as sharp/hard as metal swords, if not sharper/harder.
42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to
do a man's job. He'll get it done in
half the time and twice the angst.
43. Law of Triscaquadrophobia
There is no Law 43.
44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of
success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to
the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how
long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it
before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too
stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into
a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even
your closest friends and relatives.